| 個人檔案Sanura- Hot Like Fire相片部落格清單 |  工具  說明 |
6月18日 A new place to blog...I have made up my mind to change where my blogging will be taking place now. So for further updates on this twisted, sorid, and now mostly happy life, you can find my blog here at Hot Like Fire
Thank you for following along. *waves* 6月13日 A choice to be made....And it is not one I want to make. But the time he has left me to myself has shown that I have to make it. He left long ago. Physically... Mentally... emotionally... I don't think he was ever really here. So the bags are packed... I just bide my time....
The past 19 years ... I have lived nothing but a lie. I tried to pretend that things were okay. That things would get better, but I was wrong. I have no choice but to believe that now. He never came home from his walk. Which pretty much confirms my suspicions of another in his life. While I could easily find out who she is... I think I would rather not.
I don't know know what more I can do. I have been patient, and kind. I have been caring, and as understanding as I can possibly be. I know I was not his first love. I know Kiza is still in his heart to this very day. If she has not come back into his life, he has found another who is much like her. And he craves that light. It's a drug to him. It keeps him alive. I cannot give him that. My light was stolen from me when I had no chance to fight it, and I shall be punished for it, for eternity.
Nights like this, I wish I had just remained dead. Where I was, I was forgiven. There was no pain. There was no fear. No fighting. Only love. Unconditional, undying, eternal love. The light... It was so bright and it called to me. It wanted me. And I wanted it. I reached for it. I had nearly gone into it, when I heard him cry out for me. My spirit tore. My soul... it had no idea what to do. He loved me then and I knew that. So I went back for him. I went back to dry his tears. To hold him close one more time. To tell him everything I wanted to tell him... I felt my soul being pulled back. I was ready to go after I had let him know the truth of everything in my heart. It killed me to leave him, but my body was already dead.
I reached the light again and pulled open the door. But then I felt this searing pain. It was all over. Where my arms and legs and my head had been severed from my body, it was nothing but pain and agony. I screamed and I fought it. The light was going to claim me again. I could finally have back what was taken from me...
But now it's gone. Beyond my reach again. The pain... I feel it constantly like a fire trying to burn it's way through my body. I try desparately at night to be rid of that pain. I have finally begun to cut deep enough to leave the scars behind. But no one sees them. Even in the hot summer's I have doomed myself to wearing long sleeved shirts. If my family found out what I had been doing... They could never understand the pain. They could never understand what drove me to this... My Uncle... he'd never forgive himself for not seeing the signs.
But it would not be his fault. I kept them hidden from everyone. No one ever saw my tears. No one ever knew of my fears. What is eternal life worth in the end? I have seen so many things... I have done, many more horrors than I ever care to remember. I have lost the one I loved, and when I finally gave love a second chance.... He turned away from me. The darkness within me curses him. He can never see passed it. And he never will.
The children may not be old enough to understand, but they are old enough that they don't really need me anymore. RIJ has his other lover. He will be well taken care of. Angel has been a good friend to him. I know she will help him through whatever demons are in his soul. I trust her in that. The kids... If RIJ never comes home, they will have people they can go to. My family, Ori and Angel, Bakura and Zahara... They would not be left alone.
The light may no longer call for me. But neither does teh darkness. And so I walk the paths of purgatory. I am neither a child of Ra, or Osiris. But my time has come. I cannot remain in this lie. My fate has been decided. This time.. there is no coming back. For where I go... no one will be able to reach me...
So my family... I love you. I love you all. And I know you dont understand. But this is something... I have to do now. Please Uncle, don't be sad. And Don't worry, I'll be all right. Everything will be fine. See? I'm even smiling... One day we will meet again. I promise. But the pain, has grown to be too much... I have to do something about it before it consumes me. Remaining in this home... the home we've had for the past 14 years... It is no longer my home.
RIJ... My dearest... I love you with all of me... and I'll never forget you or the way you changed my life. You gave me, a beautiful family, and allowed me the opportunity to experience love once again. I never thought thought that would be possible. But you showed me... I do hope you find the one you are looking for. I want you to find happiness. To find the light I could not give you. I'll always be near you. Watching over you. Somehow.... But you may never see me. You'll never even know I'm there...
Goodbye....
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Rose:
*looks up* ... You know... I typically would make some snide ass remark about how sappy and emo-ish that sounds... but I guess I have changed a little over the years... I almost feel sorry for her... I may try to help her... MAY.... I do still have a rep to uphold afterall....
And it isn't like I can change the past.... What's done has been done... She can pray and wish all she wants, but it won't change a thing...
I have to wonder what my other half has in mind though.... perhaps I should consider taking a look...
As for me? Nothing to tell... sleeping mostly while healing from my battle with Kay.... It isn't over yet.. it won't be until one of us is dead... the question becomes which one of us will it be? 6月9日 Happy Birthday!Happy Birthday to my dearest, RIJ!!!
I love you honey!
I have a few plans. Nothing big as I know he isn't one for parties, but I wanted to treat him extra special tonight. He has been going through so much and I get the feeling he thinks he has to handle it on his own. He's so stubborn. I just wish he knew he could turn to me. I wish he WOULD turn to me. I don't know where he goes when he leaves for his walks, but he always comes back more peaceful... I guess I should be thanking the one he turns to... but I can't help but hate her at the same time. And I don't even know her. I just can't help but wish he would turn to me.
I guess that's why I have asked Angel to take the kids for the night... possibly the entire weekend. I am hoping a little time on our own will help him see I am not that bad. Rose was my darkness and she is gone now. The part that kept me hidden from having any kind of happiness... it's gone. I am free and finally happy. My father says there is a light returning to me again. With Rose gone, I no longer have a reason to feel guilt for things done. The rightful killer is out and can be dealt with. I can finally be ME. The daughter of Atem and Aurora. I can have the same light in my soul that my sister and brother have.
A part of me feels as thought RIJ can't see that light though. I think another light has him blind to my own. And it hurts. But he still tells me he loves me. He still holds me at night. He still gives me that heartmelting smile. I still love him with all of me. I couldn't be happier.
Well... yes I could....
I would be happier if he would not turn to the one he has been. But it is going to be up to him. The kids are old enough to understand. It has gone on for so long the only thing I can figure is that the truth hasn't come out to protect the kids. They don't need to know about the possiblity of problems at home. We have pretended everything was alright for so long. The children have never seen me cry. I refuse to let them see anything more than a smile on my face. My fears..They are saved for this blog.. My tears... they fall only when he is gone. Not even HE has seen them. I won't let him see me fall. I won't let him see that I am weak.
All he will see is happinees and love when he looks into my eyes. That is all he needs to see.
RIJ, I love you. No one can love you more than I do. I can promise you that. Maybe the gift I have for you will prove it... 6月5日 Trouble on the horizon?It's possible... Nothing is certain really right now. Angel came over the other night and she was upset. Ori was with her and he was really quiet. I asked RIJ to try to talk to his brother to see if he could figure out what was going on while I spoke with Angel.
Seems they are worried about their son Sachiel. Angel found this jacket of his with a gang symbol on it. It gave her some kind of vague flashback to a memory that had been lost to her, but she couldn't make sense of it. My Uncle appeared later that night and joined us. RIJ poked his head in the house from the porch to tell me he and Ori were going ot go for a walk so they could talk. He won't tell me what was said. I can tell it wasn't good though.
My uncle told Angel that the symbol on the jacket was that of a gang who called themselves The Chainers. The name sounds familiar, but not enough for me to really remember it. Ori just seemed lost though. And Angel, the poor thing, no matter what she did, it didn't seem to lift his spirits, at least not while they were with us. Oriel arrived and went up to see Orion and Amera.
I can't help but think he is smitten with the bluenette. She is kind and polite. There is this light about her that could draw any darkness to her and away. I guess it's something she, Angel, Oriel, and Angel's youngest daughter Rayne all have in common. She's a good kid though. A little young for Orion, but I guess as long as he is careful... I mean, he's a senior in high school and she is only in her 9th year. He's ready to graduate and she still has her life ahead of her. I just hope Orion thinks hard about any choices that are made. I guess that's where Oriel comes in. She always has a way of making Orion stop and think.
I am surprised to see how close in friendship Orion and Oriel are, but I am glad for it. I remember watching Orion playing with Oriel and Sachiel as they were growing up. They always push each other to their limits in practice, too.
I realize I am rambling. I guess I am avoiding the main reason I am writing. As happy as RIJ has seemed, I get the feeling he is hiding something from me. When Ori and Angel left our home... I saw the way he looked at Angel when she said goodbye. There was this look in his eyes. A look of longing. Wanting... Ever since he was used to revive her, they have had a different kind of friendship. They never really had anything to do with each other before. It was always Zahara he had turned to when things were at their hardest. But now...
Now he looks at her in a way that makes me believe there is more between them than friendship. I mean, I have seen him kiss her cheek before when they would say goodbye, but when he did it this time... I don't know there was something very wrong about the way he held her. I know Ori saw it too. But he trusts Angel. He doesn't think she would ever do anything to hurt him or their family. And for the most part he is right. But what if....
No, it's crazy... RIJ and Angel? No way... *swallows* ..... I.... I just don't want to believe that...
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Rose:
She can live in denial all she wants, but I know the truth... *rolls eyes* That pathetic weak side of me has no clue. RIJ has no idea what he feels for her right now. He is trying to love her. But he can't. Thanks to her history, she lost her light. The light a man like RIJ craves. Orifiel said RIJ didn't like me because of my personality.. which could very well be true, but in all honesty, it's my complete dark side that keeps him away. I am FAR too dark for a man like him.
But Angel... The light she has.. It blindes me... I really need to get rid of it... eventually... I need to test something about her first... Get her and Orifiel in a room together to see his reaction... Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll kill her first... I wonder what it would take to get her to remember everything again? To make her remember how she turned on her husband all those years ago... or better yet, get her to remember the darkness of him. Orifiel and how he treated her. *smirk* That could be interesting. Who would she turn to when the memories returned? Her husband? Or her lover...?
Seems there is a new kid in the palace. A protogé of Orifiel's named Legato. He is young, but he is still wanting. Orifiel wants to teach him his ways, but that would include knowledge Orifiel can't give him. It would not take much to convince Legato to sneak away one night. Or to allow a special midnight visitor.... Okay, so new blood excites me lol. Or maybe it is something else. There is something about him that isn't quite... well like the rest of us. Lucky for me I have eyes all over the palace now. None of them human... or even immortal.
2 bodies were taken to sustain the boy. Riza says that he isn't exactly human or even one of us, so that verifies my thoughts. I know he paid Kay a little visit too. He was shaken by the appearance of a young woman in the viewing portal. I wonder what Orifiel would think of that... and for me to tell... Legaot would think Kay spilled the secret. Orifiel would take out the girl and Legato would take out Kay. The perfect set up that leaves the throne empty for only me. Yes... I think it's time Kay and I parted ways... it's getting to be too crowded. And I hate to share what I claim for mine. That's why I can let Orifiel go. He was never mine, nor was I ever his. If he thought I was, then he was sadly mistaken. I have never been broken and I don't intend to start now. 6月1日 14 years have come and gone...I have been horrible at keeping updated in this thing... I'm not even sure where to begin...
To start with, Rose and I have become 2 separate people. She used Kayura as her puppet. Once Kayura had taken the right place needed, Rose had access to even more power. It was painful, but the pain was worth it to be free from that dark part of me finally. Now all I have to do is concentrate on RIJ and our family.
RIJ is still acting strangely. For one, he used to HATE water... now he goes to the beach quite regularly, and I almost always find him in the shower now. He didn't want to return to our home in Vegas... He told me a part of him felt like he had to stay here. I don't ever remember him being much of an animal lover, and yet there has been this cat that he is pretty friendly with. He shows it so much care... As if it is truly something important to him. Even more... we bought a home on the beach... I guess it is a few houses down from Ori and Angel. It's not bad. I enjoy having them as neighbors. With the weather as nice as it has been, we have spent many evenings at either their home, or they at ours for picnics and bar-b-q's. Ori has kind of mellowed out. He is as possessive as ever, but he is mellow...
Kind of ironic huh? *small laugh*
Anyway... I have to admit I am kind of glad that RIJ doesn't remember a lot of things. There was a lot of pain in his life and I enjoy this softer side to him. I fear it may not always last, but I am enjoying it while it's here.
Now.. 14 years.. 14 years...
Ah! yes, RIJ and I have been married for 19 years now. And I have to admit, it has been nice and entertaining. This new side to him makes him more willing for fun things. He has been very active in Orion's upbringing. He says he wants Orion to have a positive feel for life. I have to include that RIJ and I... well we have another child. A daughter we named Raven. She is about 4 years younger than Orion, but she keeps up with him really well. She has her father's eyes. that golden color... she is really playful too. Kind of a tease. It was joked that she would be a heartbreaker as she got older. At 15 ... she worries me. But then again I knew ME at 15... and I know what he used to be like as well... It's possible it will be a combination of both of us...
Okay, I am scared now...
Orion ... doens't really have much of an interest in school. His father was like that so it was expected. He makes up for it in his training. He and Raven have taken to working out with me when I go to practice my magic and even my work out routines. RIJ tends to keep to himself when he isn't with us. While the kids and I are working out, he tends to go out for walks... at least he says. I can't help but think about Bakura's words regarding RIJ and his walks. I have been tempted to follow him just to see where he goes, but I have to stop myself. I have to trust him. He's my husband. We have been so happy these past 14 years. His smiles seem genuine and his eyes always sparkle when he sees me and the kids.
Maybe my worries have been in vain. To see him this happy... there is no way he is straying from his family.... is there? I mean, who else can make him as happy as he says I have made him?... Or has he been lying to me all this time?
Well... here are the latest pics of our kids.
 Orion- aged 18 Raven aged 165月22日 How odd...It really is odd... I am not sure exactly what happened. All I know is that things are definitely different. I wanted so badly for Orifiel to just end things for me while I was Rose... but all he wanted was to lay her. I guess I wouldn't blame him, but still...
She was very weak after that fight. It was way too easy to take back control of my body and when I did, my only thought was to return home and just hide out in my room. Imagine the surprise I had gotten when I walked in to see RIJ asleep there. See... During the funeral, Orifiel forced RIJ into the ritual that would bring Angel back to life. It had bad results. RIJ forgot everything. As did Angel. I guess when they both disappeared they ran into each other. Certain details are fuzzy because Rose had taken over by then and I was too busy trying to get her to keep away from Orifiel. I am not entirely sure what went on between RIJ and Angel. I remember her being alone and looking scared when Rose made her appearance at her old home. RIJ was already gone. the fight was long and hard, and well... frankly I am glad Angel interfered when she did, though HOW she did still confuses me.
It was as if she had some of RIJ's powers inside her after the ritual. Rose was floored and had no idea what was going on. Normally she is quick thinking, but this I think was too much of a shock to her. The fight ended and everyone went home. That was when I found RIJ in our bed. Bakura had found him. He wasn't moving or speaking. Just staring up at the ceiling.
I was able to trade back and forth with Angel on keeping an eye on him so I could still be with our son too. However I learned that might not have been the best idea. Bakura said he felt bad for the one who was with him when RIJ woke up. I freaked and when I went to check on them, apparently he had woken up and he and Angel were gone. They were gone ... No where in the room. I went back downstairs to see if my sister would find them and she seemed hesitant to find them. Like she was afraid to, or just didn't want to. Not sure about much from there, but the next thing I knew RIJ and Angel came downstairs together. They ... seemed very... together. As if THEY were the couple.
Orifiel was about ready to snap, I could tell. Her forgetting things was okay for him, but to forget him was too much for him to accept. Somehow he convinced her that they were together, and attempted to tell her what was going on. But I could see the confusion in her eyes. She was pretending to accept what she was being told. But the most shocking thing....
Was when RIJ was told he was married to me. He looked at me, confused. I expected cold indifference. But instead he became soft. Sensative. He held a picture taken of us together and just looked up at me. Then I was in his arms. He calls me Kitty now instead of Kitten. It's new, but I can deal with that. Especially because he asked me to marry him again, this time so he can remember it. So now we are planning to renew our vows. It almost seems too good to be true. But I am going ot enjoy this. He holds me openly and isn't afraid to show how he feels. It' s nice and comforting.
But like all things... Something has to ruin it. And in this case, that something was Rose. I am not entirely sure what she is planning, but during the confusion, Angel disappeared. Kayura had shown up to tell them that Angel was apparently still married to Ori according to the courts and she and Orifiel couldn't be married. Angel separated herself from both of them and just backed into the wall. Then suddenly she was gone. Leaving Orifiel and Kayura to thier fight while everyone looked on.
I tried to shut them out and just relax with RIJ. But then this whispering started in my head. Rose had begun chanting a spell I did not recognize. Odd since I thought I knew them all. I looked up when everything got silent. Orifiel and Kayura were just looking at each other. She took a step back and he moved closer. Suddenly, they were just gone... Rose would only tell me that in time I would see what she had done. In time everyone would see what she had done. This has me worried.
I need to get rid of this darker presence. It will be the death of me if I don't. She can cause things to happen when she is NOT in control of my body if she wants to. This information truly scares me. She's planning something. Something big and it is only a matter of time before it comes into the light so we can see it, but by then, it could be too late to stop it.
My only hope is to figure it out soon. 5月12日 A thought....Sanura:
I'm sorry... You have told me not to love you. But I can't stop. Nobody told me I had a choice in loving you or not... I can't just change. I'll never change. I want... I want my life to be with you...
but... You deserve more... You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You deserve...
Someone who can take you into the light...
As long as Rose is alive within me... I can never be that someone...
So... While you don't remember me... I think I will make a choice. A choice that will rid us of her...
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Rose:
That tart actually thinks she can get rid of ME! Hardly. I am not rid of so easily. Orifiel will learn this the hard way and I am not finished with Kayura. I almost wish I could have watched Orio mourn over her. But I was forced to leave. I did learn something of interest. Whoever is controlling Atemu has a soft spot for AFG. I can use that to my advantage later. And Ra knows that I will.
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Sanura:
I won't let her! I can't... Orifiel.. I make a plea to you while you have her in your grasp... Kill her... kill us both. Set me free please!! Don't waste time on playing. Don't try her... Kill her. Kill me... Then please.. when RIJ remembers me again... Tell him I love him... and tell him... I said goodbye....
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Rose:
If I don't kill Orifiel first... I'd like to see him TRY to kill me... |
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